(13/100) You Can't Paint When You are Afraid

Yesterday I worked further on the abstract that was not 'working' and I got drawn into following the vision of a figure that began to emerge.  I constantly have this conundrum, to ignore the vision or go with it.  The previous painting I did I allowed for the suggestion of the birds I saw, but in this piece I found myself delineating a figure, I wanted to see her.  When I was done I felt I knew who she was and gave the painting a title.

'Hamlets Ophelia Gone to Gather Flowers as She Descends into Madness'
Acrylic on canvas (9x12 ins.)

The whole time I was painting, I felt my lack of painting skill, but at the same time I was thinking, it doesn't matter because I'm painting what I want to paint and doing it brings me pleasure.  Now I look at it and see the painting as 'weak' in terms of composition, technical skill and resolution, but I'm not unhappy about that, why?  because this painting brings up that important question, 'What do I really want to paint?' 
 And right now I'm feeling the answer is, I want to paint what resides in my imagination, that which I don't even know is there until it reveals itself to me in the act of painting.  That is the mystery that draws me.  Previously I have attempted this but have been held back by my critical judgement of the bad paintings produced in the effort.  I'm not going to worry about that anymore.  I'm dropping the weight of thinking I must produce 'good' paintings (because if I don't, I told myself, I shouldn't even be painting). I'm dropping thinking that only 'good' paintings can validate my time and resources spent doing it.  
This painting is telling me to paint what I want to paint in the way I feel called to paint. 
 Why has it taken me so long to come to this blindingly obvious realization?  Well, there's the whole matter of lack of self trust and lack of confidence, plus the strength of my negative voice, that I believed was telling me the truth, when it wasn't telling the whole truth, and also the influence of contemporary art that made me think my art must be utterly irrelevant.
This thinking made me afraid to paint.  You can't paint when you are afraid.
I will continue to paint. I will continue to make bad paintings. I will continue to make 'irrelevant' paintings.  It no longer concerns me. I only care about painting.